"The Darkness in Mamahood"

May 06, 2020

 What a sight. What a child. What a Soul. Keeping me in check since 2017. There’s no one else I would have wanted to introduce me to Mamahood. It’s also taken SO much healing to truly feel that, feel that this journey was worth allll the frustration, the dark, the pain - it’s been quite the journey. 


I mean there are literally no words, but a million at the same time. This little spirited fire made me a Mama during a time where to be honest, I was probably still grieving. But, I don’t believe in coincidences. Freya waddled to me, barely being able to walk and sat on me in a polka dot jumper at 15 months - I knew she was mine + more importantly, I was hers. To say the journey to motherhood was paved beautifully is a fucking lie. Not just for me, but for dozens I know. It was not immediate. It was not easy. It was not peaceful. It was not joyous. It WAS dark. It was ugly as hell. It was nothing I expected. It was painful. It pushed me to my limits. It depleted me. The phrase “if I only knew then, what I know now” comes up from time to time. But we all know that perspective serves no one. I did not know. 


Through the dark, I realized so many important things, with enough material to write a book someday. But the relationship between mother + child is unique to them and no relationship is similar. How absolutely unhelpful to have no relationship the same? There are similarities that make you feel like “woah, OK I’m not this terrifying and ugly, you are too, OK good...” but no one talks about the darkness AND how if you stay on the path, if you surrender, if you hope - the LIGHT does come. You do find YOU, just not the same way you left her, you find her stronger, wiser, more experienced, kinder, loving, lighter - but the journey to get there is paved with layers AND no one tells you, whether you birth, adopt, foster...no one tells you that to get to the light, you absolutely must embark on the darkest, loneliness, disempowering, painful journey first. But, is it worth it? To rise from the dark parts of our shadow? To move forth with newfound perspective + wisdom. ABSOLUTELY. So one day, you feel into the divine badass you ARE and you fucking RISE. 


Our lives, for growth, evolvement purposes are paved with inter-generational trauma, loss, violence, abuse, grief, anger, masculinity, oppression so that one day, we will RISE. We will come to feel into gratitude, we will HEAL, we will affirm our journey, we will allow our feminine to guide us forth. 


We will RAISE whole-hearted beings, who appreciate and respect the ugly, who are well fucking rounded Humans. They will experience everything from the lens that “yes, this is dark, but it will SERVE me.” But we will be better serving of them as they grow + navigate their own world. I think for most women, the pressure to do more is insurmountable. But what’s important to know is that THEY/HE/SHE chose you and you’re here on Earth to fulfill all the things they need, even if it’s ugly, even in the lessons + always in the beauty of the Human experience.


This is our 4th summer together and for the first time since Freya’s adoption, since becoming a Mom, I feel like I have an idea of what I’m doing. It’s taken years of counselling, a lot of releasing and way more temper tantrums (yes, I can ignite my inner child like no other - work in progress) and so much crying - but the one thing I always wanted was to feel GOOD as a Mom. From day 1 one we are plagued with guilt and our brains are riddled with “do this but don’t do that, make that but don’t make this, you’re doing it wrong, you’re scarring them, be better, be calmer, be more fun, be less YOU.” 


But you find a groove + because we had a few more layers of trauma and life, it took a while. I love where we are, I feel like I post that a lot but the more time passes, the more it feels peaceful. It’s taken me a long time to feel GOOD - everyone can tell you your children are beautiful, kind, smart, funny, amazing and you can hear a hundred times how great you’re doing. But behind every smiling response to that kindness is a Mama who has been through the darkest parts of herself and may not quite feel like she is a GOOD Mama. As we near Mothers Day, I reflect on that + send so much love to the new Mama’s, the Mama’s still trying to figure it out + to those who despite being a badass still struggle to feel innately GOOD at this crazy job we’ve been given. I see you.